Useless or ‘used’less or more??

Jiah Khan’s death left me shocked, but not surprised. Knowing the reason of her death was also not bewildering to me. It happens with most of the people. What’s new about it, except that it has garnered so many headlines. A day or two later, Michael Jackson’s 15 year-old daughter Paris Jackson attempts suicide.

Having had suicidal tendencies myself a few weeks back, I can actually understand what one feels when you give so much to something or somebody and very little or none of it returns back to you. Been a rebellious teenager myself, so I know what happens when you feel that ‘down and out’ syndrome. Its not just failure which makes one belittle himself/herself; its the contempt which society has attached to failure which kills.

Our elders don’t like us talking about all of it. They say, we know nothing & we lecture too much. But, what they don’t see is the increasing materialistic world that we live in and the continuous pressure on us to be super-humans. Their times were far more simpler; ours has remained complicated from the very beginning.

I can anytime slap myself and drown myself in alcohol to prevent my head from thinking too much! Yes, there is a lot of over-analysis and subsequent paralysis. But, what I need is a long-lasting solution, not lectures. Sometimes, you know what the problem is, but you don’t know what to do about it! That’s where you are stuck.

It was all so simple – we take risks, jump into something thinking it is gonna give us something. But, life always has alter plans. You can put in hard work, but you can have no control over results! Life is like a race course, u have no option but to turn wherever the road takes you. And that can be frustrating, very frustrating!!

This is just the beginning. There’s lot more to come. If one considers oneself to be so inferior from now itself, what all is gonna happen next? 

The problem lies in people respecting and accepting your decisions which you made for yourself. Who doesn’t want the thrill of seeing your bank account furnished with Rs 6848 every month? But, where there is no job satisfaction, there’s no point in having that! People think it is easy to quit. Ever asked couples who divorce how easy it is to do so? Like I said, its not the failure, but the contempt associated with it that rips you apart. There are a lot many people out there who are not happy with the kind of life they are leading. You need courage to go for what you want..and courage to bid ‘goodbye’ to it when you see its not giving you what you want. Easy to say ‘goodbye’?? You betcha!!

Sitting at home, watching TV, studying sometimes and sleeping for 8 to 10 hours isn’t something one would expect from an outdoor person. But, then, sometimes these so=-called ‘time wastage’ allows you to search within oneself what you want, get to where you are, things and people who upset you and then blame you for that!

Its a different thing altogether to give someone the illusion that you are gonna do whatever he/she says. No! Everywhere we have our own expectations and desires.

Had I not filled up the forms for MA months back, I’m wondering what I’d have done now?? What would have happened? I must have done what Jiah and Paris did!! That’s why I wish that some people were sensitive enough to understand that a person has to take difficult decisions and trust his/her instincts. Our parents find it hard to accept when we say that this is something we have decided for ourselves. So is the case with a mentor! 

You have taught a lot, trained a lot, you want the person you trained to achieve something substantial…but that’s not going to happen if you keep hoping that your child/mentee is gonna do what you want him/her to do all the time! And, there is also a feeling of being used and abused because you let it go and didn’t ask for it when it was your right!!! How do you deal with that? There is something called conscience or inner voice..whatever..which makes you feel that way..that it all happened because you gave in too much, much more than what was needed. And, that’s where people got a chance to do whatever they could do with you. Now that you ask for your rights, raised eyebrows, frowns and suspicions gaunt you as if you were a criminal forcing somebody to give you what is not yours. That’s how the world works. If one doesn’t raise one’s voice at the right time, one will forever be taken as a mute, dumb lamb!! How do you prevent this feeling from coming to you?

Psychiatrists say that people who are depressed need to have a social circle around them. But, even there you are faced with questions which make you feel even more miserable!! Yes, things didn’t turn out the way you expected. But, there is little that you can do about it.

What the world needs more than ever before is people who have empathy, who are understanding & don’t make you feel more miserable with their chiding!! You know where your faults lie. The only thing needed is solution. Something which is gonna make things okay! But, I guess, its hard to find that even in your family and friend circle.

I had no idea that I secured the highest in BA exams in my department in spite of having  a full-time job…and a taxing one at that! It doesn’t make me feel good. Why? Because whether you score 100 or 50, it all comes down to 0 when you get into the practical world. So far, I feel not worth it. 

I was told in school by my friends, “Neha, tu jis cheez mein haath dalti hai, ho jata hai.” Now, ‘jis cheez mein bhi haath dalti hun, kharaab ho jata hai.” 

I feel all those students who commit suicide because of failure in school or college examinations actually gave their life for nothing..absolutely nothing!!! Even I failed in Maths twice in school….and the second time it happened, I felt like killing myself. But, then life turned so much better once I came to Std 9 and met many new friends who didn’t judge me on the basis of marks.

I think what my friend tried to convey to me via an article is true – “People don’t love you for what you are, but for what you can do FOR THEM.” As long as you are useful, you are welcome, once you are not, its all over – the love, the care, the feeling, its all gone. Unfortunately, in spite of repeated warnings, we learn this bitter fact only after going through it.

I still don’t know on what terms I should be seeing all that happened. One thing is for clear – “You are your own friend and enemy; nobody else is gonna help you out.” If you don’t assert (no matter what people say about ‘silent, good girls) you are doomed. Its only then that you think if you were used less or more!!!


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