Writing seems to have deserted me what with numerous attempts to do so, and all resulting in failures. While everybody has been asking me to write more, I can’t even hold a pen now. Wonder what’s wrong!
2 of my friends left for MA to other states while I’m still here (so much for my mentor who told me he was getting a feeling I’d have to stay here). Things are still uncertain and I’m trying hard to get back on track. For the past few days, I’ve been listening to Neelesh Misra on his radio story-telling show ‘Yaadon ka Idiot box with Neelesh Misra’. I started it off as an attempt to get back to writing. Its been 4 years since I wrote a poem, articles are completely out of question and don’t ask about editorial letters!!! Those days of loads and loads of scribbled papers are over, it seems.
The man who refuses to call himself an RJ, has had the same kinds of experiences and feelings which I have. The day I listened to his own life story called ‘Papa se shart’, I saw such remarkable similarity in his situation and mine. Of course, I never wanted to be an IAS, but, yes, I could reflect on my own self and take things in my stride…the message being – “Before you rise, you have to fall hard.”
While I can always say that its easier for men to do whatever they want because they don’t have to think about their ‘safety’ the first thing, I can’t deny that nature treats us all as human beings. Gender problems have been created by the society, not by nature. And so, the struggle for survival remains the same for everyone.
What Neelesh Misra desired when he was of my age, he got it. Simple! He listened to his own self. Depression and disappointment along with insecurity gripped him when he failed to clear both IAS and JNU entrance in spite of hard attempts. But, he is happy today. Writing exquisite lyrics, first ever radio story-telling show (which is an absolute necessity for me now), journalism and now, founder of India’s 1st rural newspaper ‘Gaon Connection’…..he wanted to so so much and there seemed to be no platform back then for all this. But, today he proudly says he ain’t living a mechanical life which he might have led had he become an IAS. I’m so glad he didn’t; we would have missed out on so many things today.
I don’t see anything lucrative in being an IAS. I mean, people want to be an IAS for their own sake, they aren’t ‘civil servants’ in the strict sense of the term. And I’ve always believed that bureaucracy is the main hindrance between people and government. Its the same for humanities students as it is for science students who ‘have to’ give IIT entrance…just because they are expected to!
I have absolutely no clue where I’m heading. With so much happening in such short span of time, everything seems disastrous. There are only few people who give me solace – my mommy, Neelesh Sir and my aunt.
I’ve come to believe that even though I’m living amid dark clouds at the moment, there’s gonna be a silver lining. I don’t know what University life has in store for me, but I know that I can find a way out. Maybe, my friend was right.
“The BEST and the WORST always come in surprise packages.”
All the pain that I took or will have to take again may well pay off some day. And, in any case, you won’t value your success if you haven’t gone through daunting struggle. Good, ain’t it??