Ruminations this New Year

So, its close to the end of another year…..another year of struggle for adulthood and regaining control of the gradually slipping by childhood! I must say that the year 2013 & 2014 have been the most depressing, heart-wrenching, eye-opening years of my life! Yeah, you guessed it right. Its that facebook quote doing the rounds here too. No, but seriously! These 2 years have been torturous and self-analytical, with sharp touches of reality and loads of realizations.

And, what’s the best part? I managed to have my heart feel beating again, my cheeks flushing again and confessing that I do feel different cos of the hope and the strength I got from a thing called love.

No, I’m not gonna make the mistake of thinking too far (okay, I am doing it but I’m also trying to control it. Will take time, you see). I’m trying to let go too. I mean, I have to make peace with the fact that I can’t have some things because i live in a sexist society and a cruel world. But, apart from that, I’m just loving the fact that I could feel different again, especially when I look at my old diaries where I had sworn I’d never let myself go weak in the knees for anyone. Times change, people change, don’t they?

Also, on the professional front, things weren’t so bad this year. I have begun tutoring, something I had also sworn I’d never do. I’m going to prepare for New Year celebrations this time and, man, it does feel good to bring cheer to your family with your hard-earned money. I always wondered how I’ll struggle considering the lazy person I am. But, as they say, when the time comes, human beings make use of their intrinsic energy and accomplish things they never thought they would. I’m taking my friend’s advice and trying to build connections and get away from people who are no good when it comes to loyalty or friendship.

I have a simple goal this year – TO DO WHATEVER I CAN TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY.

Its easier said than done because happiness is intrinsically attached to satisfaction. And satisfaction is the hardest thing to achieve, especially when you wear condoms of awkwardness and lack of self confidence and skill. Yeah, I’m adorkable, like the character of Zooey Deschannel in the show New Girl, Jessica Day.  But, whatever, its important this time because I know 2015 and all the years ahead are gonna be a lot more tougher. We’re gonna face the consequences of our choices now.

I have added new skills to my CV – travel writing and teaching. But, I’m yet to learn how to make use of that.  I’ve been trying to make better use of social media. That includes cleaning up my friends’ list & news feed (lot of garbage there). And how did I learn all this? QUORA ki jaya!!

If I made one judicious use of my new smart-phone, its getting addicted to Quora. Its so much better than wasting time on Facebook. Funny how strangers turn out to be more helpful than your so-called friends. I’ve been reducing the trash I get on my news-feed on Facebook and I’m bothered with just a few. Actually, I still have the habit of caring and mixing with a few and leaving out the others. I can’t help it! I’m an introvert. People like me care for a few, mix with a few and allow even fewer people to enter our lives. And, wisdom says – “The less people you chill with, the less bullshit you deal with.”

I underwent therapy this year. It helped me somewhat. That’s what therapies are supposed to do! Help you somewhat! Rest is all up to you. You have to make that change, make peace with some hard-hitting facts, make up with your friends (which I eventually did) & that was the best thing of 2014. Also, my new make-over helped along with the desire to make up for the lost days. I realized how important it is to let go of some stuff because you end up hurting yourself more than others. I’m happy I sorted stuff out. I love that show ONE TREE HILL for a reason. As one of my favorite character Haley says in the show, “If you love someone and you wanna be with them, go get them. Deal with the mess later. You don’t know how long you have with someone or what tomorrow will bring.” This quote saved my life! I’m happy I patched up.

Its always depressing when childhood friends go away to make a life of their own. You know that they can’t be with you when you need them even when they want to. They simply can’t be your 4 AM friends. They can’t be available on time to help you deal with a crisis. And you can forget indulging in some forbidden sins with them! I don’t know if anybody is gonna feel sad when I leave (chances of my leaving Bhubaneswar are bleak). But, to a good-hearted,noble sensitive soul like me, its very tough! Its like the end of an era, as they say.

Maybe, 2015 is the year when I’ll have to finally turn into an adult. (Ah, man! Adulthood sucks!) I’ll have to live on my own, make some tough career decisions, fall and fail a lot more than I already have, take up more responsibility & maybe, allow myself to be intimate & vulnerable to some people. It is so intimidating when people rip out your deep, dark secrets, how they get to know about your loneliness and then, you have to admit that they guessed right and that they know you best! I can’t describe that feeling when you are happy that a close friend knows you so well and also shaken that you actually got all weak & emotional and vulnerable.

But, the biggest lesson I’ll have to imbibe – that while some people may be very important to me, I might not be that important to them!

You can’t help having one-sided affection for some people. As the much- adorable character in Frozen, ‘Olaf’ says, “Some people are worth melting for!” But, hang on, they won’t shed a tear for you, forget melting. Again, everyone hurts. But, some people are worth getting hurt for! Its easy to preach that one-sided affections destroy so, one needs to keep away. But, all of us, at some point in our lives, have felt the much-compressed pangs of heart coming out for people who, probably, don’t even think about us.

What else can you do than just cherish the feeling, being happy that you got the courage, after all, to have this emotion inside of you, even for a short time. When most people turn bitter and their hearts freeze, its nice to feel for someone, after all. Not everybody gets love in life. If you do, its worth cherishing. The cultural compulsion of marriage and relationship may not be there, but the feeling should be there. Its what makes us humans in a world torn apart with hatred and revenge.

That old melody, “Dil ki baat na pucho, dil toh aata rahega/ Dil behkata raha hai, dil behkata rahega…” rings always when I think of this! Love, in its purest form, is an emotion. It better remain so. Other things make it complicated for nothing. Its not worth killing for! Its best as  a Khamosh sa Afsana.

With these thoughts I hope that I get strength to deal with whatever is coming for me in 2015. Taking risks has been fun & it’ll continue to be so. Failures will be coming in, so will the tears. But, I hope to deal with them. Time to put the teachings of 2013 & 2014 to practice!

One more, I hope to write more blog entries. That’s important too.

Let the New Year begin!

Happy 2015!


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