I’m not a religious person. But there is one festival, religious one, which makes me happy! Durga Puja has always been my favourite festival, especially because of mom’s devotion towards Maa Durga, which she passed on to me in due course of time. Especially after we went through in 2003 because of dad’s job, the fervor of Durga Puja has only increased. Add to that, my love for all things Bengali which added more to this and made me turn ‘Puja’ into ‘Pujo’. As luck would have it, my career had a big leap with Kolkata itself. And the bond has reached a new height with me trying to converse to my best in Bengali.
I have never been in touch with my roots. The insecurity which gripped my dad has also come to me, in spite of everything. And that leads to fear getting the better of me, declining self-confidence and this desperate desire to be loved by people who simply don’t have it in them to reciprocate what I have for them. I never knew what Bihar was, what love of paternal family is and what it means to be with cousins. Been a loner always. Been bullied all the time. And, that hasn’t changed now as well. The forms have, but, everything else remains the same. People getting the better of me all the time. Whether it’s a colleague or a childhood friend, it’s been the same always.
Family has always been the most important unit, more so in Indian culture. Having a close-knit, solid, secure family gives you confidence, makes you secure because you know you have people to fall back on during times of crisis. That’s not to say there won’t be problems or ego clashes. But, what happens in the end always matters. I don’t mean to see a sasural genda phool type of joint family. But, at least, you can set your differences aside when there’s a celebration or trial times. I have never seen that. And, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’d give anything to have that.
We live in an increasingly dysfunctional world. You have psychopaths and sociopaths running amidst you, not having any idea of what triggers their behavior. The pressure of having a perfect life has never been so big as now, thanks to social media. Depression and other psychological disorders have never been so widespread as these days. It’s like an epidemic, plaguing one and all, irrespective of age. Our inability to cope up with what is presented to us in myriad forms and the tough environment in which we are forced to live makes us all the more vulnerable. Unable to comprehend the situation at hand, we go berserk, rampaging everything that comes our way. That’s how friendships and relationships end these days….in no time.
Also, the lop-sided sexual development or regression which seems to be another problem. Our society has been regressive sexually. So you see a large number of people turning into perverts for the gratification of their sexual impulses. We have become a victim of two forces – glandular secretions within and societal forces without. Both play havoc with our mind. Society makes men competent enough to deal with sexual perversion, being a player and having multiple sex partners, all their lives. The same goes totally opposite when it comes to women. Even a simple pre-marital sex can lead to her hearing something vulgar like – “It’s you who wanted it badly!” when she asks for commitment. And, thanks to the new pseudo-feminism wave, women straightaway allege rape when the man refuses to commit. A simple bedroom stuff turns into a tamasha with people having their own “Ye aaj kal ki generation” complaints. The battle between the sexes has never been so fierce as it is now. And, that is terrible. It further alienates men and women from each other, leading to more misunderstandings, sexism, bias and ultimately, some crime of passion. No wonder parents ask us to refrain from pre-marital sex. It’s not about pregnancy anymore. It’s about unrequited love, unreciprocated emotions and the resulting damage done to a person’s psyche.
There are moments in life when your brain keeps telling you that you’re witnessing an illusion, woven by your heart and hormones, to fulfill something you miss in your life. It’s only natural for people to use and abuse you and then, move on to greener, secure pastures once they are tired of you. Sometimes, we give the reins of our happiness to other people, putting them on a pedestal where they have no option but to look down on us, perhaps forever. We become a slave to our emotions. And no matter whether you are rich or poor, man or woman, if you are the one who’s more emotionally involved, you will be blamed for everything, even if there was involvement from both sides. I read this somewhere on Quora, by someone who was experienced, and who kept advising young lovers that there has to be a certain mystery around you, that once you see the other person not having the same kinda interest in you, you back off! And that it is a very hard thing to do. I was not able to do that…and here I am….frustrated with my own self, more than with anybody else. Getting angry on someone else is far easier to cope with than being upset with your own self. In any case, the other party is always without remorse.
We women, no matter how successful, always have to boil down to our bodies, our face and how good we can be in bed. Nothing else seems to matter! Your boss won’t be happy with you if you don’t allow him to touch you. And, don’t get me started on married, male colleagues! Sex has taken precedence over friendship too! The size of your breasts and your consent to allow the guy to take control over your body is what does the trick all the time. You don’t do that, you are boring; you do, you are a slut! It’s as simple as that. Not that men are not victimized, but they aren’t raped like women are. Talk about friend zone and all hell breaks loose.
My mom has always told me one thing – “Marry the one who is in love with you! He’ll keep you happy!” As with most things, I learnt this the hard way. But, I will listen to her on this, at least. I’m done chasing people, putting myself on back burner, trying to please them and having the expectation of them reciprocating my feelings. The longing, the pining and the pangs of wanting to be with someone who clearly can do better without us, gets too much to bear after a while. When you fall for someone, check if they are also in it with you. If you are all alone, kill it all when you have time and move on to something or someone who can make you see that you can be happy too rather than just being ‘okay’.
I’m tired of all of it now. I’m done with so much vulnerability. I’m done trusting people and getting more betrayal from them. I have probably lost faith in childhood romance. I’m done! I don’t wish to be either desperate or depressed anymore, for anyone, or because of anyone. It’s way too much to handle now! I can’t go completely dysfunctional now that I have to shoulder responsibilities. I have to make a life, go about it, explore myself and then, maybe, like Chandler from Friends, I’ll find someone who won’t ask me for nude pictures or sex or accuse me later on when he’s all done! I can’t let my life go to waste. There are people who care for me, and they deserve my time and energy.
This Puja, that’s all I asked Maa to give me….the Shakti to deal with the monsters in the garb of humans, the ability to know who can value me and who is out to use me. Just help me make myself secure. If not career, then what else, I don’t know. But, I wish to get away from these insecurities. And, I don’t need a hero for it. None of us do! And that has to be my New Year resolution, or at least, one among the several others my ‘repairing’ heart will make in the last month of 2015.