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My Dear Heart

“Dear heart,

 

I am sorry that he doesn’t think you are worth it anymore. I am not sure if you failed me or I failed you. I think we have grieved this loss and I want us to embrace this, one last time and then never look back.

 

Will you forget him? Forgetting him will also make you forget all that he made you go through. So it can’t be such a bad deal after all. Is it? I want you to stop hurting now. Because you are hurting me for someone for whom we don’t exist. You shouldn’t have fallen for him. If you did, you shouldn’t have fought for him. You have invested a big part of yourself in him. It has been an exhausting journey and I need it to be over now.

 

I am sorry for you. For us. I want you to learn to live again. Songs are not always to be dedicated. It is not necessary for someone to always occupy your thoughts. It is okay to not live for someone. For once, maybe, live for yourself. Teach me to live again. It’s been a long time since we lived. Maybe I will be my own home. Maybe my own heart will be my hero.

~ Roshni Dhillon

 

I found this piece on the website ‘The Anonymous Writer’. I have been following that website for a while now. And, this one is the closest piece to me. This is my biggest lesson of 2015.

I started out 2015 with a lot of enthusiasm. It was a life-changing year, I knew it would be. Struggles were paramount, as expected. But there was so much to gain. There were positive thoughts in my mind. I was in love..and nothing gives hope and positive energy like love does. Of course, I always had my doubts. I somehow knew my dreams of being with the person i wanted to will not materialize. And that’s what happened.

Nevertheless, I’m glad I plunged into it. Why? Because irrespective of the enormous amount of pain it caused me and continues to, it taught me the biggest virtue of all, the one thing we all know we need to do if we are seeking happiness – to love our own self. Yes, loving your own self before you love someone else is the best thing you can do to yourself. It’s not easy. We all are consumed with self doubts all the time, even when we have everything. People have told me that they are jealous of my life. It’s so good, they say! Really?? A friend once told me that no matter how much he brags about his achievements, his life isn’t as hunky dory as he makes it look like. Who’s is anyway?

We all are in pursuit of happiness. Casual sex, flings, a drunken night out, adrenaline adventure, all of it is done in pursuit of happiness because we all know its a fleeting moment. It won’t stay. Nothing stays. Neither people, nor things, nor emotions… And that is a good thing. Being a possessive person who has serious trust issues and abandonment issues, I often see myself doing things I probably wouldn’t do if I were secure and happy with myself. That’s not to say one needs to get arrogant, though people who love themselves and give themselves the first priority are immediately dubbed so. But, you know what? Being selfish is important. Every emotion in us has its importance, even the negative ones. Had I not hated my paternal grandmother, I wouldn’t have strove hard to find my own vocation, have a career and make my own life. If I weren’t jealous of my friend’s achievements, I wouldn’t have decided to take the many risks I took for my career this year. Had I not been obsessive, I would have missed out on one of the biggest risks I took so far – the risk of being intimate. That is what takes real courage – the courage to be intimate. That’s what Michael Jackson mentioned in his book ‘Dancing the Dream’.

I don’t feel super excited for this year. And I sure have my moments of weakness, anguish and insanity. But I have embraced them. Because they are a part of me. My craziness, my insanity, my obsession, my possessive nature, my insecurities complete me. As director Imtiaz Ali said in a literary fest this year, “Having found oneself can be so boring. Life should be a continuous process of finding yourself.” Not saying if these weaknesses of mine will take me places, but they sure have played their role in pushing me here. My evolution has to be natural, not forced. And that is why I don’t want my heartbreak to leave me bitter. That’d be the worst thing. I constantly remind myself the same.

So sure, if the guy I fell for, has to marry someone else, I’ll go through it. I’ll attend the wedding. Maybe with tears in my eyes and an aching heart, but I will. Sometimes, you have to force yourself to face the reality. I think I need to do that for 2016. I need to train my heart to keep itself first and embrace, maybe in tears, whatever is the fact. Not everything is natural, you see. And once your mind is in control, you find a way to listen to your heart, one that is not clouded with emotions.

This entire blog seems to be about feelings, right? Well, that has been my 2015. Everything I did this year was inspired, dominated, mutated, dictated, permeated, penetrated by those feelings. I had my fair share of gains and losses. But, I do not regret anything. Maybe, I’d have done things differently,  but I do not regret anything. I wanted something and I went out and got it. Whatever happened, happened because I needed to learn certain things. We all do.

So, with this, here’s wishing you a Happy 2016. Hope you do all you aspire to. Hope you overcome hardships and learn from pain. And, regardless of anything else, hope you do not knowingly hurt someone. If you do, make sure you apologize sincerely. Sometimes, a simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t work; you have to let the other person know that you didn’t intend any hurt. A guilt off your back is the best thing to happen.

I hope all best things happen to you and that you fall in love with your self.

sunrise

 

For more, check this out. You can also visit this place.

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3 thoughts on “My Dear Heart

  1. I’ve met you a few times but we’ve talked through social media a couple of times but it never seemed to me that you’re in so much pain. However, it feels good to know that you keep yourself happy no matter what! Proud of you! 🙂

    1. Thanks Ankit. Means a lot coming from you.
      Well, I am still not good with the keeping myself happy no matter what thing. It’s hard to do that. To be honest, its easier to stay depressed. I have been that way for 6 months. Not a healthy thing to do. So, trying to change it.

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