Women in charge of their sexuality are slut shamed as opposed to men who are lauded for being ‘studs’.
“Hey, don’t waste your time in all that seriousness on love and relationships; it’s not worth it!” – My friend quipped the other day when I lamented the fact that most people of my generation do not want, do not look for meaningful relationships; that it’s all about sex and one night stands, breaking up and moving on and ultimately marrying the person your parents choose for you after having your share of ‘fun’.
Well, no doubt, as a responsible, grown-up adult you are free to make decisions about every sphere of your life. However, the imbalance comes in with the difference in the definition of ‘fun’ for men and women and the terms attached to the sexes.
For many women, the rule out there is that if the man you love happens to leave you after a ‘night of impulsive passion’ you are supposed to treat that as ‘normal’ and respectfully get out of the way. And then, again, say “Not all men are the same!” You are supposed to deal with the pain and anguish that comes with it. And to top it all, even friends advise you the same.
The rules suddenly change as the gender changes. Pre-marital sex is the forte of men.
I was always attacked for being friends with men. My best friends have always been guys. And I was slut-shamed first by women, not men. I was aghast to see many women I know support slut-shaming, believe in the whole ‘purity’ concept related to virginity and abhor women who wanted sex and did not feel any shame in expressing that. On the other hand, men who talk about their sexual adventures were termed heroes, studs, playboys who deserve to be honored for their ‘work’. It hardly ever raised any eyebrows even among women. It’s so normal!
These are common concerns of many youngsters these days. I know, for sure, that I’m not alone. However, the hook-up culture doesn’t allow you to express it openly. How will you?
You are seen as a victim – someone who couldn’t find a guy to get laid, someone who’s too inhibited, too conservative, not open enough, not cool enough.
When Censor Board refused to certify the movie ‘Lipstick under My Burkha’, a lot of people supported the decision. “It’s not a part of our culture to talk about women’s sexuality”, they said. “Women are nurturers; they are not supposed to have desires of their own. They are to be the providers, in every sphere, nothing more, nothing less.
A woman in charge of her sexuality is a dangerous creature – she will not stay subjected to your whims and fancies or remain forever obligated to you. She will accuse you of marital rape if you force yourself on her. And that is harmful for the society, so to speak.
“You need to seriously lose weight. Your ass is like huge!” I still remember these words of my so-called friend when I read or listen to anything related to body-shaming. No one has the slightest idea how bad all of it hurts to a woman and how it changes her, for worse. Waxing, shaping our eyebrows, even getting rid of our pubic hair is a desirable trait and needs to be followed.
You are not beautiful just the way you are, you have to be a Barbie doll.
A whole industry has sprung out of these insecurities. The pressure to look a certain way is so tremendous, even at the workplace, that you cannot get any respite from it. It is all thrust upon you. I remember how one of my aunts and her friend ridiculed me tremendously for my body, my choice of career, my hobbies, basically everything under the sun. It hurt me badly.
Currently, that same aunt of mine is struggling with her weight, has a super naughty child to handle all on her own and is absolutely unhappy with her married life, blaming her parents for forcing her into an arranged marriage. When I am asked to find a suitable guy and get married, I refuse. Because I don’t want to be like her. I refuse to carry the frustrations of my failed ambitions and desires and thrust it on someone else. Far too many women do that and end up either blaming themselves or their families for it. I don’t want that.
The pangs of loneliness hit me many times. I do not feel the need or even a slightest interest to hang out with friends and waste my time on hearing lectures on how to lead my life, take my career forward or forget the guy who I deeply cared for. While I’m being chastised for being clingy and annoying or expressing my affection openly, no one dares say anything to the person who broke my heart and abandoned me without a care in the world, blaming me for all of it with the words – “You wanted it”. After all, a woman won’t say out loud what really transpired; it’s such a taboo.
How funny it is – men blast women so much for getting friend-zoned but expect them to just “deal with it” when they ‘fuck– zone’ us.
And, sexuality is something we are not to talk about or express or we end up “making a fool of ourselves”. If you happen to be one, get ready to be slut-shamed all through. As a woman, you are not allowed to harbor the dream of earning respect or finding true love if you are in charge of your body, your ambitions and your sexuality. This is true for women around the world, no matter how much you deny it.
I dream of a world where women would be each other’s friends and support each other. They wouldn’t be shaming women out of jealousy who do what they aspire to do. They wouldn’t be asking their sons to marry a girl who seems ‘homely and moderately ambitious’ or, as once I heard. – a girl who is silent, doesn’t talk much and stays within her limits. I want my friends, for once, to go and say “stop making a devil of yourself” to the guy who left his so-called childhood friend in the lurch for ‘greener pastures’.
It’s easy to ask a strong, confident woman to hide her guts in the dark but extremely tough to stand up to a man’s wayward ways, especially when he has money and past favors backing him up.
And as for finding someone better, well, we women need to upgrade ourselves and not settle for anything ‘okay’ at all. I’d prefer to be with someone who not just loves me, but has the guts to accept his own vulnerability, emotions and desires and act on it. I don’t think that at this stage I should be listening to stuff like “I did not do anything; it was you who wanted it. It’s your fault and I have nothing to do with it.” It’s such a turn off.
I think it’s high time we ask for and get what we really desire and require!