It was a dream. Like many others I saw, this too seems elusive to me now. That’s the thing about dreams. They seem elusive for a pretty long time leaving people lose patience and then, give up. It sucks!
I saw two of my childhood friends in my dream two nights ago. I saw them apologising to me. I saw me forgiving them, making amends and, I heard myself calling them by the endearment I had for them. Even in the dream, I wished it all to be true – it appeared to be so.
It made me sad. The things which I pushed into my subconscious came upfront and left me broken, again! Can’t tell you how much it all hurts! No, not the heartbreak – loss of two friends – that’s what hurts.
What’s more? I saw myself hanging out with the girlfriend of the guy I loved. The guy who was my friend for 14 years. I always compared myself with her, found her more pretty and felt really jealous of her. And I see myself being friends with her in that dream.
That’s a good thing, I’d say. She isn’t at fault. Probably, I was way too available for my friend.
My first love was my desk partner at school and my first friend too. We cared for each other so much. He didn’t have the courage ultimately to accept that he, too, messaged me regularly when we got in touch after school, which he didn’t reply either in affirmative or in negative when I confessed and that he was too conservative to see me with other people, having my own life – drinking, merry making, having fun.
Even when we got back in touch after a gap of 4 years, he’d still, time and again say, “I don’t like it when you roam around with so many guys or put up profile pictures with them.” Of course, like most other people of my generation, he wouldn’t give commitment (I was over him, anyway), but he’d still keep on repeating the same thing – “why do you roam around with so many guys? It makes me jealous!”
The guy who is sheltered by his mother still doesn’t know how to man up and accept responsibility for his part in the story.
For women like me who have no shame in accepting our feelings and embracing our sexuality (yes, we think about sex and want it too), this is a deal breaker. Most of us remain single because we cannot compromise on this aspect of our lives, like so many other women.
I miss my 2nd childhood friend the most. We had so many memories together. He helped me recuperate from the first. He took me to the pub for the first time. He motivated me to go for my decision of working in the media instead of simply compromising and taking up a teaching job in a mediocre engineering college.
And then, when I fell totally in love with him, he left.
And there ended our friendship.
There’s this dialogue in the movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” of Anushka Sharma’s character Alizeh – “Rishte Jab Jismani ho jate hain na, toh dosti toot jati hai,marr jati hai.” When relationships turn physical, friendship dies. And the bad news is, it’s permanent.
I had always heard people advice – Stay true to yourself. I understood its importance when I played such a big game with my heart. It cost me so bad!
My colleague keeps saying how useless I am for this dating world. I just don’t fit in. I can’t sleep with anyone and end things in the bed. Doesn’t work for me. I don’t preach others about it and I wish I was like them too. But, then, I never did what the majority did.
In this age of hook up culture, I still seek love. No matter how stupid it makes me look, and how much I get made fun of, it’s just the way I am.
It makes me lonely. But, I don’t go to my parents and ask them to look for a suitable guy for me. I had promised myself I’ll find someone, I’ll not settle. I cannot lay the burden of my insecurity on someone else.
Insecurity is bad for relationships. Never be insecure and depend on someone else to rescue you. It’s your problem, not theirs.
Falling for a friend is your problem, not theirs. Either you tell them straightaway and refuse to compromise when they keep dilly dallying or you sit on it. I’d strongly recommend the former.
I’m so mad at both of them. More than that, I’m angry at myself for not being able to protect myself emotionally.
The dreams haunt me. And I reverse to that time when things were innocent and good. I feel sad, real sad. The pain and hurt comes back.
None of those guys dared apologize to me. What I felt never mattered to them. And they took advantage of being men. Everyone else did too. Lectured me instead of talking to them.
I’m not calling or texting them. My self-respect is in tatters and I want to save the last shreds of it.
Everything is acceptable. Compromising on your self-respect for friendship or love is not. Never.
So I let it be a dream and sink into oblivion. I let it go. You see, not all dreams are meant to be true. It sucks, but it’s the truth.