friends · Love

I Got My Childhood Friend Back, for a Few Moments

 

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“There is nothing like the power of unrequited love. Unlike other forms of love, it is not shared. It’s mine and mine alone!”

Cheesy dialogue it is. However, the other day while I was watching this epic scene from the movie “Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” where Shah Rukh Khan poignantly depicts the pain of loving someone and not receiving love in return, it struck up something. SRK plays a character in the movie who doesn’t consider unrequited love easy, but he is not ready to pity himself for being a one-sided lover. Why would he? After all, Aishwarya Rai is beautiful and super intelligent. I really loved her character in that movie.

We all indulge in a lot of self-pity when we fall for someone and realize we are not going to get love in return. When we get taken advantage of, when we are bad-mouthed, when the same people whom we loved call us crazy or unattractive or anything of that sort, we come face-to-face with our demons – those negative emotions, that bad childhood memory or experience which left us with trust and abandonment issues which makes us clingy to anyone who looks into our eyes and says, “Hey, I am there for you!”

We forget to be there for ourselves. And that’s where we give permission to the other person to get some sort of power over us.

In a previous post, I explained how low self-esteem and lack of confidence makes us easier prey for manipulators, sexual predators or, simply, people who are our friends but will not hesitate to take advantage of us. It’s a basic human nature – to use and abuse. We all are guilty of it, at some point or the other.

That movie Ae Dil Hai Mushkil” is a story of one-sided love where the protagonist falls in love with his friend and has a hard time accepting unreciprocated feelings. People call it the friend-zone. Because, most people do believe that two opposite sexes can never be friends only. There is got to be some sexual play or interest or some dormant desire in at least one of them. You act on it – it usually ends up in a bitter heartbreak and loss of precious friendship. Though, there are friends who handle it maturely. But, that depends on how you break the news to the other person and how much do they REALLY care about you.

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Not a moment went by in the last one and a half years, when I didn’t regret falling for my friend of 14 years. The bitterness, the rage and the fury coupled with the feeling of betrayal and my anger at my own self for having been so stupid to have not seen what was right in front of me made me imagine horrendous things. I’d think of ways to get back at him; I often thought of revenge. I openly told his friends I wanted him to suffer – I was THAT burky and angry.

http://www.idiva.com/news-relationships/i-slept-with-a-close-male-friend-and-lived-to-tell-the-drunken-tale/17060885

And then, last weekend, I see a video of him singing. Not like REALLY singing with a mic and taking care of the notes and pitch, but just simply singing his heart out.

A 90s song – yes, that’s what it was. His roommate recorded it and put it on Facebook where I saw it. He was possibly drunk, enjoying it to a Pink Floyd music – I really don’t know what it was. But, that Hindi song matched perfectly well with the music.

It was a playful song –  It’s from a Hindi movie where the protagonist dances in a disco with the lyrics suggesting he was looking for a sexual partner or lover or something of the sort.

“A planet full of young maidens and my heart still lonely\ In search of a friend for friendship.” Translating Hindi film song lyrics is hilarious!

Here’s the link.

I downloaded that video of him singing.

Not because it made me all lovey-dovey again. No!

I did it because it reminded me of my friend –

That happy-go-lucky guy who was once the most loved person in our batch; the one who was always there for his friends.

I remember how I would make him run around the school to convey my messages to my first love. And when my heart broke, he talked to me for 40 minutes trying to convince me I was okay.

He’d always pick me up, drop me off, help scare creepy guys off, stay around at odd times…..

He took me drinking, to a pub, for the first time. Stood outside the washroom the entire time I was inside. We studied in the same University and would bump into each other often. We made more mutual friends.

When I heard him singing that song – I am guessing he was drunk – I forgot all the bad stuff! All that happened between us which ruined everything!

All I could see was that funny, cuddly guy I knew, sitting cross-legged, drunk and singing a song, enjoying it, the child in him peering through his facial expressions and body language and trying to dance whatever little he could. And that fiddling with something in his hand, typical of him.

I missed seeing that childhood friend of mine. For a minute there, I forgot the countless painful moments  – his rude, cruel words to me, his mistreatment, the fights we had, his lack of any remorse or repentance, his bad-mouthing, judging me for my desire, saying something so derogatory that his friends felt embarrassed telling me the exact words he used. In fact, I blocked him recently.

And yet, each time I see that video, him singing that way, I forget everything. Those innocent times come back. Just for those few minutes, he appears to be that same guy I knew and cherished. For a moment there, I see my friend.

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And then I realized,

It’s not worth keeping that anger and bitterness inside, wishing things to change magically. We reap what we sow. Every action, every decision of ours has a consequence, and sooner or later, we are to face them and deal with them.

I had a hard time accepting it all. It led to increased longing and more anger which I bottled up inside me. It frustrated me and made me sadder and lonelier.

So, now, since I still enjoy seeing my friend indulging in some drunk singing and it’s something I am going to take with me to my grave – the entire experience – I better accept it and let it stay in a tiny corner somewhere in my mind. There is no use fighting the feeling, it just adds more pain than what already exists.

There’s not going to be any forgiveness or patching up or even talking! People who treat you like garbage and feel entitled to do so are not worth anything. Some things are best left the way they are. We screw up things and sometimes, it makes sense to just accept that that’s the way it is going to be for the rest of our lives, or until we make better sense of it.

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I watch that video every day. I see my friend. And for some time, I am transported back to simpler times. The times that can never come back!

 

 

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