I have never felt this happy, contented, at peace with myself.
Nothing has given me so much joy as being a freelancer, not even studying literature.
The fact that I can read a number of books now, watch a lot of movies and TV shows, write so much, update my blog constantly and also send articles for guest post makes me happy.
Working with a brand was awesome, it gave me feet. And now, I think, getting heartbroken was cool too!
I no longer upset my Facebook friends with sad, depressed posts. I am, in a way, not ashamed to be who I am now.
I have started to love meditation more than music. I have been singing this song “Tum Pukaar Lo” for a while now. Such a sweet Hemant Da classic! Why don’t they make music like that anymore?
The one thing I want to do now is – dance. A lot. Get somewhat drunk. And be with people who genuinely care for me.
Go to Kolkata with mom. Work some more. Meet more friends. And not let people and their opinions bother me anymore.
I have waited so much and so long to be this way; to have started out somewhere in search of bettering myself. That was the whole purpose behind me not giving into the marriage pressure.
And now, I do wish to date. Meet new people. I can’t be sure if I’d indeed meet someone really great or be that vulnerable and open and trusting to allow someone in my life. All I know is that I don’t want to be a cynic anymore. Cynicism is not good for you. It closes you off to some of life’s amazing adventures.
I wish to take mom travelling. That is way more important than anything else. All those weekends when I thought of going to Kolkata, but couldn’t, I’d want to put it to better use. Maybe, I’d need some more money. But, I really don’t want to regret.
The time I have with her is so precious. Life is slipping away so fast, we have all grown up and she and dad keep struggling with their health. There has to be a way out. If there’s any fear I have, it’s losing them without them reaping the fruits of the hard work they put.
Yes, I screwed up that interview at college. I don’t deserve to be a teacher because I wasn’t a good student! Opening my Literature books and going through them like a diligent student is more important before I decide to know what it is to teach girls hardly a decade younger than me! I have disappointed a few people, a few pitied me, a few were jealous and the rest have a heck load of advice for me. Its just that now I have learnt to not care so much as I used to.
My “ikigai” is – being happy, doing simplest of things with a few people close to me and deriving maximum happiness from it. Going to the gym, lifting weights when nobody’s there – its so much freedom and happiness! Interviewing amazing people as part of my job, having such trustful associates who trust my writing and give it to the clients without looking at what I wrote, staying in my city with family and looking forward to being with that one close friend – do I need any more reason to be happy?
Joy is in the simplest of pleasures.
I haven’t gained any weight – that’s what people around me tell me. I know I have. But, even I think I look better than I did before. Because I know what inner happiness feels like. It reflects on your face, in your body language. I look at myself and I feel happy!
A lot of work is still left to be done. Working on anger issues and bringing up past experiences over and over again are gonna need time to get fixed. But, I am happy to have finally found a place where I can be really happy with what I do, how I pass my time, people I hang out with, the work I have and the little things I achieved. I wouldn’t have been this way had all those things – bad stuff, people living, cheating, going away – hadn’t happened. I am finally me! And I don’t think the universe wants me to give up on something so difficult to achieve so easily.
The woods are dirty….no, why dirty?
“The woods are lovely, down and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.”
Thank you, Robert Frost.